A Letter to the Friends of Fat Single Women

An open letter to all non-fat friends of single fatties.

Dear non-fat friends,

I love you all, even those of you who are not my friends but the friends of other fatties. You're awesome, because you don't buy into the shallow bullshit that a lot of other people do. Fatties are used to people avoiding them because they either think fat is contagious, or that fatties are not "cool enough" for them. So kudos to those of you who don't buy into that and love your fatty friends.

But I want to talk to you about the way you approach your single fat friends with the subject of dating. Cos some of you get it really wrong. And I want to help you get it right!

• It is ok to arrange for us to meet single guys that you know, so long as you ask us first. Either blind dates or introducing us at an event.
• Ask yourself "Would I date him?" If the answer is no, then don't suggest him to us. We are fat, we are not desperate.
• The guy that lives with his mother... is he caring for her or is she caring for him? If she's caring for him, don't suggest him to us.
• Do not suggest that we are lesbians unless we have expressed desire for women. Fat women are not all closet lesbians. It's an insult to everyone to think this way.
• If you know that we are a lesbian, it's ok to introduce us to other lesbians. Do not introduce us to other fat women on the assumption that we will just get our fat on together and become lesbians.
• Do not suggest that we may get more dates if we "just lose some weight". We don't want to date the kind of men who won't date us as we are.
• Do not tell us "But you have such a pretty face." when we complain about being single. This implies the following sentence "Despite your fat body."
• When we are out together, and some guy behaves like a douchebag towards we fatties, do not then give him your phone number, flirt with him or have sex with him, no matter how hot he is. This tells us that some douchebag is of more value than our friendship. Besides, if he treats us badly now, he's probably going to treat you badly later.
• Do not suggest that we should cover up any of the fat bits of our bodies before we go out. Yes, I know I have big fat arms. I don't care, it's hot and this sleeveless top is pretty.
• Don't ask your fat friends for dating advice, and then dismiss it because they are fat and probably don't get any dates anyway. They're used to having to think more about how other people behave, they probably have the best advice.
• Remember, if you wouldn't go out with him, don't suggest him to us. Just gotta make sure you understand that one.
• If you double date with a fat friend, don't comment on her food or your own. Nobody really cares but you, and you'll just make your friend feel bad for no reason.
• Don't ask your fat friend how she got a date with the great guy. She got it because she is awesome and he's smart.
• Most of all, treat your single fat friend the same way you would treat any other single friend.

Again, you're an awesome friend and we know you mean well, but sometimes it's hard to understand that something can be hurtful when your intentions are good.

Thanks for being a great friend.

The Fatties.

Dating for Fatties: 101

I recently got a lovely email from a lady named Helen in response to my post "Sex and the Single Fatty". Helen shared with me her own dating experiences (she's about my age) and is looking for some positive, affirming advice for the single fatty over 30. She has asked a few questions, but I'll give you an idea of where she is coming from.

She's doing the online dating thing, and says:

I like how chemistry.com allows folks to state what body types they are attracted to: guys who only want women who are slender/toned/about average are guys I instantly delete as matches: this takes a lot of the pressure off of me when I GET to the date, because I know that the guy in question has stated and openness or attraction to larger women.

Kudos to Helen for putting herself out there and filtering out the douchebags from the get-go. She then goes on to say though:

1) This means that I am deleting about 90% of the matches I'm given, which takes a toll on me eventually, and 2) I hate, hate, hate how often guys say (as one match I just got did) that they want women who "take care of themselves" and "have self respect for their appearance". Of course, I do do both of those things, but I know full well that he means that he wants a thin girl; he just can't bring himself to say that. Reading those sorts of comments over and over and then deleting the match... I think it takes a toll on me. I've also wondered about the BBW dating sites. Has anyone reading this had good experiences with those?

So let's talk about it my fellow lovely fatties? What are your thoughts and experiences?

I tried the whole online dating myself and found it very demoralising, just as Helen has mentioned. Not only because there are a lot of douchebags out there, but also because I feel that without you being face to face, there are many people who find it much easier to be rude and even nasty via email or a website. Where if they met you face to face somewhere, one would think they're more likely to be polite and respectful. As I mentioned on the earlier post linked above, I received a lot of douchebag comments and attitudes from internet dating.

Personally, I feel much more comfortable in just being social and meeting as many new people as I can. So long as I'm socially active, I'm opening myself up to meeting guys, and I hope that the people I meet and like also socialise with nice guys. I'm open to meeting guys that are friends, brothers, colleagues etc of people.

As for BBW dating sites in particular, I'll be honest it kind of rankles with me. I don't want some guy to date me simply because I'm fat. The same as I wouldn't want a guy to only date me if I was thin. I want a man who wants to be with me because he likes who I am, not what I am. Does that make sense?

Personally I'm looking for someone who is more interested in me as a person than just the surface stuff. To all the guys out there, I say...

So the floor is open ladies (and any gents that are reading). How do those of you who are single negotiate the world of fatty dating? For those of you fatties who are coupled up, tell us how you got that way! And if there are any fellas reading, give us your perspective on da fat ladeez in the dating world.

Sex and the Single Fatty

Ok it's not really about sex, not yet anyway. But stick with me here. I'm going to talk about dating as a fat woman tonight.

You may know already, but I am a single fat woman over 35. I know, I know, I'm on the shelf. Or so a 42 year old man who lived with his mother told me on a dating site once. I told him to go fuck himself, I'm on a pedestal, not a shelf.

Anyway, I've had an ongoing conversation with my friend Shane about dating and people's prejudices. Shane is Asian and while a married man these days, he has told me that he had some really bad experiences with white women being very prejudiced against Asian men. Which I am sure happens often, but I've thought a bit about it and I'm not sure it's about the women being white so much as being shallow.

However, I have to say, as a fat woman, I am more than happy to date an Asian man, but I'm not sure there are many Asian men who are happy to date fat women. See what I mean about shallowness? It's not about me being white that is the problem, it's about not meeting some kind of shallow aesthetic.

That double standard seems all over the place. I also know a bloke who claims he never gets any dates because he's short. Yet he won't date a fat woman. And I know LOTS of fat men who won't date fat women!

Personally, I find tall, short, thin, fat, dark, fair, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, grey eyes, long hair, no hair, and so on attractive in the right man. Most of the famous men I develop crushes on have something a bit odd about them, that other women go "Oh but ewww, he's got..." William McInnes has a huge nose. Zachary Quinto has mega eyebrows (and is really hairy all over). Chris Garver is skinny and all arms and legs. Jamie Hyneman has that big moustache and is as bald as an egg. Craig Ferguson also has a big nose and a pasty white body. But all of them are sexy men simply because they are who they are, funny, smart, talented, kind, honest etc.

In my relationship history, I went out with a man who was considered REALLY handsome by a lot my friends. I got lots of comments about how good looking he was, and I used to notice other women throwing themselves at him when we were out. But he turned out to be a MASSIVE douchebag who was more interested in himself than he was a relationship with anyone normal.

But that said, I am a single woman who is on the market and I don't believe that being fat excludes me from the dating world. For all the shallow douchebags out there that think they're going to land themselves a Lara Bingle despite being a Jack Black, a Nick Frost or Dwayne Dibley themselves, there are lovely guys out there who see a woman for who she really is, not what size her clothing is or what the number is on a scale.

However dating for the fat lady is a tough world. Because the old self esteem gets an extra heavy duty workout, with so many people out there to put you down, make disparaging or patronising comments, or generally just insult you. It's hard work to keep the self esteem good and strong in the face of that kind of treatment.

You'd think that if a guy likes you enough to ask you out, he'd not be one to make disparaging comments about your body right? Not quite so true. I recently had a guy ask me out, and then in the next breath said "I have no problem dating fat women, you know?"

Oh really Captain Tactful? Well I have a problem dating patronising men. Buh-bye!

I am determined not to let the douchebags and losers out there keep me from dating, because I do know there are great guys out there, and I believe there's a great guy out there for me who will value me for the smart, funny, kind, sassy, beautiful woman I am.