Shame on You...

I bet most of you have experienced this one:

You're in a doctor's office. You have a cold, or you've hurt yourself somehow, or perhaps you've got a rash. You tell the doctor about the owie or the icky, and he/she shakes her head and says in a stern, disapproving tone "Well, you do need to lose some weight, don't you?"

Or what about this one:

You're in a public place, say a restaurant or food court of a shopping centre. You're having lunch, nothing special, just lunch. Someone passing by or at the nearest table says "Look at that fat pig. People like that shouldn't eat, that's disgusting."

Maybe this one:

You're watching the news. The newsreader comes on with an article about how fat people are costing the public health system lots and lots of money. Whoever you're with turns to you and says "Don't you ever feel guilty about that?"

Ever experienced anything like these situations? If you're fat, I'm pretty sure you have, or something similar. These are all examples of fat shaming.

Fat shaming is a tactic that non-fats, the medical profession and the media have all been using for a long time. Because they all figure that if we're ashamed of ourselves as fatties, that we will go on diets and lose the weight and then we'll no longer have an OOGA-BOOGA-OBESITY-EPIDEMIC.

Here's the thing. Fat shaming has been a tactic for a very, very long time. I've had it directed at me since I can remember, which is long before I was actually fat. Once I actually got fat, it was ramped up even higher. So if I can remember it from the 70's, that means it's been going on for over 30 years right?

Actually, I've seen examples of fat shaming in vintage ads from the 50's. You know, the "Sally can't get a date because she's a big fat lardass." kind of thing.

So if fat shaming has been out there for more than 50 years, and we've got a "growing OOGA-BOOGA-OBESITY-CRISIS" these days, as the media will have you believe, does this not tell us that fat shaming actually makes the problem worse?

When I look at it, it tells me that fat shaming does a whole bunch of things. It makes fat people embarrassed or intimidated about going to the doctor to get decent health care, which would lessen their risk of being of high cost to public health. It causes fat people to avoid being active in public because of the fear of ridicule that they not only "might" suffer, but actually do suffer. It forces many women and girls into the cycle of eating disorders and exercise obsessions that are a) not sustainable and b) do more long term damage to bodies than they do any good. It causes high levels of stress in fat people so that they are at more risk to things like high blood pressure and heart disease.

And these are just a few off the top of my head.

If fat shaming actually worked, wouldn't we be finding that the rate of obesity in western culture was actually lower now than it used to be, because we've been sold the same line for a good 30+ years now? Surely if fat shaming was effective, the obesity rate would be decreasing, rather than increasing.

So here's the thing. It's a crock of shit. If you hear doctors, the media, and the general public (which includes your family, friends and colleagues) using fat shaming to try to guilt you/anyone/society in general into somehow miraculously making yourself thin, question it.

That goes for you too non-fatties who might be reading this blog.

Ask the questions about why they do it. Are they doing it because it is known that it actually works, or are they doing it because a) it's so ingrained in our culture that fat people should be ashamed of themselves that it's just what's done, or b) because they're projecting their own fear of being fat and self loathing onto the people who represent the things they are afraid of/most loathe about themselves?

If you're a fatty that is on the receiving end of some fat shaming, maybe it's worth thinking about the damage that actually accepting and carrying that shame is doing to you. Maybe it's time to refuse to accept and carry that shame.

The little trick I've found is to think of that fat shame as a big steaming pile of shit. And don't pick it up if it's offered to you! When I am handed a stinky pile of fat shame shit, I think to myself "Ummm... that's YOUR fat shame shit, not mine, I'm not going to carry it, thank you very much." Where it's possible, I challenge it to the person trying to hand it to me, but sometimes it's not possible, so I just raise my chin a little, think to myself "No thanks" and move on, be it literally or figuratively.

Fat shame is pointless and there is no reason you have to accept it. It's not even going to help you if you did.

Hmph! She's Just in Denial

Let's continue on the subject of End Fat Talk shall we? End Fat Talk week starts on the 19th of October and I think it's a great movement, so I'm going to keep up with this one through October.

One of the biggest challenges I face with ending fat talk at the moment are not those that are openly nasty or rude, nor those that loathe their own bodies and are finding it hard to let go of the self-fat talk, but those that are patronising. You've probably all experienced them, the ones who go quiet in a conversation about body image and fat talk, only because they're thinking "Listen to the poor fatty, deluding herself that she can be healthy like that." One is tempted to write it off as paranoia or self consciousness when one gets that feeling, but unfortunately I've caught a few people out on it, either talking to others when they think I'm not there, or others have told me that they've done so after I've left. I've also heard other fat friends talking about experiencing the same thing.

I'm not entirely sure how to work with people who believe that those of us who follow fat acceptance and health at any size are deluding ourselves. That we're in denial about our weight.

Sometimes just being really open and reminding them that I know that I am fat helps. A lot of people who are trying to be polite are very confronted by the word fat. I've referred to myself as a fat woman and seen people blink in shock, as if I've just said "Fuck" or called myself the N-word. To so many people, "fat" is the ultimate insult, so to hear someone call themselves that openly and unashamedly they find it confronting.

I've even found myself censoring the word fat when referring to myself, not because I'm ashamed of it, but just because I've seen some pretty intense reactions to it. I try not to, because I consider it MY word and I want to remove the negative power from it, but it's very hard when good people react so intensely to it.

Often I find myself letting it go when someone is clearly of the opinion that I am in denial about my fat. This still doesn't sit comfortably with me because I am trying to actively challenge any shame and stigma about fatness in my life, no matter who it be from. But there are times when it does hurt when someone assumes that I haven't armed myself with as much information as possible and haven't made an informed decision about fat acceptance.

I guess each situation is different and I'm still really learning how to challenge the attitude that fat = unhealthy/morally wrong. Sometimes I'm successful, other times, not so much.

What are your thoughts on ending fat talk from those who believe that fat people are in denial about their bodies? Have you had any successful experiences? Are you someone who used to have this belief about fat people, but have changed that?

Please share in the comments and let's work on this together.

Living with Fattitude!

Well my lovelies, have I got something special for you!

I was reading "Screw Inner Beauty: Lessons from the Fatosphere" by Kate Harding and Marianne Kirby (yes, it's called "Lessons from the Fatosphere" in the US - dunno why we have the different name here in Australia) when I came across the most awesome word. Wait for it...

Fattitude

Isn't it fabulous? I totally love it. I used to love the term "fat and sassy" to describe myself, but this new word, "fattitude" just hits the nail on the head perfectly.

So I got thinking about fattitude, and I realised that there were a lot of "sexy fats" and "fashionable fats" out there in the fatosphere as far as groups and pools were concerned, but I don't feel like I fit either of those. I'm not a fatshionista - I couldn't care less about fashion other than to wear stuff that I like and that makes me feel good. I don't particularly want to be sexualised either, it's just not my thing, you know?

What I feel for me is that I am fat with attitude. That I am fat and live a full, fascinating, positive life. But I didn't feel like there was much out there by the way of groups for women like me that weren't about fashion or sexuality.

So I have created a Flickr group called Fattitude. Which is for photos of women and men, who are fat and sassy, fat with attitude, fat and fascinating, fat and positive, fat and full of life.

I would really like for anyone reading this, even those who are not fat, to come along and join this positive, upbeat group and I invite you to post photos of yourselves or your loved ones who are full of fattitude. Fat people having fun, feeling good, living life, being positive. I want this group to be one you can participate in, and also see other fat people who are living their lives to the full, so you know that you can do it too, in those times when you're feeling low.

So roll up one and all, come and join Fattitude on Flickr!

P.S: and please spread the word of this group - the more the merrier!

Combatting Fat Talk

In a comment on my last post, reader Maria raised the issue of how to combat fat talk from others, without being annoying or pushy about it.

I think that's an excellent topic to talk about tonight.

So, how do we go about it? How do we combat fat talk from other people? In particular, other non-fat acceptance people? It's fairly straight up if you're hearing it from someone who is working on fat acceptance, because they've already got a head start. How do you work on it from family, friends, co-workers, your boss, neighbours, shop assistants etc?

It's a tough one. Some people will listen, let you explain. However it's unfortunate that lots of people are so deeply immersed in fat loathing that they just can't see any point but the one that they've had presented them to their whole lives.

Family is probably the toughest. I'm certainly no authority on how to do this with family as I'm estranged from mine. I no longer have to deal with it from them. But if you do have your family in your life, and in fact they love you, you have to deal with the often well intentioned fat talk.

Then there are the friends. Close friends are one thing, but what about the wider circle of friends? Do you talk to them one on one or as a group? I am a bit of a brazen bitch, so I tend to just jump on in when it happens. Not everyone is quite as extroverted as I am though. Often it's subtle fat talk you get. Comments about their own bodies or how bad they've been with diet and exercise.

What about the workplace? I don't know about yours, but mine has all kinds of "health and wellness" initiatives, most of which boil down to diets and weight loss. I actually participated in one, back in my obsessive, fat-loathing days, and in hindsight I can see how insane it was. A big ra-ra club for "let's lose weight fatties!" You actually had to be obese to qualify for it, like some kind of exclusive club. There are constant emails about exercise and healthy living circulated in my workplace. Some of it is very much fat talk, and I find a lot of it perpetuates the poor body image in employees.

Of course, closer to home are the colleagues who love to talk about what diet they are on, how fat they are, how they can't eat this or have to exercise to pay for that. The worst place for it is the lunchroom table. People comment on each other's food, they comment on their own food and how they're "being a bit naughty today" or "Oh, I can't have that, I'm being good." like food has some kind of morality attached to it.

Even when you compliment someone, they often toss back some fat talk. "That's a great dress, you look lovely!" gets the response of "Thanks, I'm having a fat day, this hides all my sins." or similar things.

Shop assistants are a biggie. This is one that I refuse to accept. I used to be terribly hurt and heartbroken by shop assistants either ignoring me or being rude to me. Nowdays I let my dollars do the talking and refuse to shop there. I always love the scene in Absolutely Fabulous when a snobbish shop assistant is rude to Patsy and she looks back and says "Why are you looking down at me? You work in a shop." I will straight up tell a shop assistant that they're rude and what they can do with their merchandise these days.

So there you have some of the areas that you will hear fat talk. I don't know the answers, I just know that it's difficult and there are a lot of factors in the way you handle it. If you're confident, or close to the person, I think it's easier for straight talk, but otherwise it's very difficult.

Here's where I throw it open to you, my dear readers. How do you combat fat talk? Share a story of when you've really been able to nail it and open someone's mind. Or maybe share one where it's gone horribly wrong. What is the hardest type of fat talk to combat? Have you broken the fat talk cycle yourself, or are you still learning.

The floor is open...

No Fat Talk Allowed. Ever.

Let's keep this one simple. This is aimed at college women, but I think it needs to be for EVERYONE. Men too.

I'm going to become a bit of a nag about this one for that week, and hopefully the message will get through to SOMEONE. It shouldn't just be for a week either, it should be a rule we set for always.

Beautifully Fat Art

In my general readings of blogs in the fatosphere this morning, I came across a this post at the Fat Girls Guide to Living, an interview with Elizabeth Patch, from More to Love. I'd not seen Elizabeth's work before, and I'm thrilled to discover it now. Her artwork is bright, fun, whimsical, and most importantly, positive representations of fat women.

Click image for link to purchase Elizabeth's book.

It's rare that we see fat women (or fat men for that matter) portrayed in art in a positive light. Usually we see the gluttinous fat person, the lazy fat person, the greedy fat person. It is starting to change with photographic art, with fantastic projects like The Adipositivity Project and Leonard Nimoy's Full Body Project. To see these changes coming through to artists of other media, such as painters, digital illustrators, sculptors etc is wonderful.

I'd like to see more fat acceptance in art. Do you know of any artists that are fat positive in their work? Please share them in their comments, so I and any readers can have a look. If I particularly like them, I'll blog them up here at a later date.

Dealing with Douchebags

Ugh, I hate having to even talk about this topic, because it is so wrong that it still happens. But I know most of you have dealt with this shit so I'm going to talk about some ways to handle it and cope when it happens.

Yes, it's douchebag season again. But when is it bloody not?

I copped some abuse again this afternoon from a douchebag passing by in a car. I was idly standing at a pedestrian crossing on my way to catch the bus home, when a car went by and a douchebag hung out of the window and screamed "Hey you stinky fat fuck!"

How absolutely mature and erudite. Fucktard.

This is an almost daily occurrence for myself and many other fatties. It's not just fucktard bogans in passing cars either. The douchebaggery comes from all walks of life. I've copped everything from little old ladies stating loudly that "People like that shouldn't eat." as they passed me eating fruit salad in a shopping centre, teenage kids pointing and giggling, men making disgusting comments about "fucking the lard arse", right through to a somewhat normal looking woman in her 40's who pushed me on an escalator and when I said "Excuse me!" turned and replied "Well you shouldn't be so fucking fat!"

The worst that I ever got was the time I was on the train to work and a group of young guys in King Gees started making barking noises, and I looked up to catch one taking a photograph of me on his mobile phone. I then sat there in horror as he texted it to all of the guys around him, who sat around making the most horrific comments about me being a "fucking fat dog who should just kill herself."

It used to tear me to pieces. The times I would arrive at work and burst into tears because someone had exhibited this douchebaggery to me in the street... I can't tell you how often it happened. Many times I came within a whisker of taking my own life out of sheer despair at how complete strangers treated me. I can't describe the pain it would put me through.

These days I am lucky enough to have got some excellent help from both my GP and a very good psychologist who have taught me how to protect myself emotionally from douchebaggery, as well as where my value lies as a human being. But while I don't let these people destroy me like they used to, it still hurts, every single time.

I'm still at a loss how to deal with it a lot of the time. Do I flip them the bird? Do I say something like "Fuck you, douchebag!"? Do I ignore it? More often than not, I'm so shocked that all I can do is blink and flinch.

A friend of mine recently said "I wish I was there when this happened Kath, I'd smack the bastards one!" when I was telling him about how douchebags treat fat people. The thing is, douchebags are quintessentially cowards. They tend to pick on lone fatties, or maybe a couple of women. Douchebags never pick on a fatty that has a male friend with them. Nor do they pick on fatties in groups of people. I'd love to have this mate with me when someone had a go, because while he probably wouldn't smack them one, he would definitely step up and tell them where to go. But as I said, douchebags are cowards.

However sometimes justice comes to play. Remember the guys in the King Gees on the train? Well, I got to work that day, and burst into tears. And one of my bosses at the time, Ali, happened to be in. She demanded the whole story from me. She asked me to describe the guys, and for some reason I remembered the logo on their King Gees. She called the company, which turned out to be an apprentice training company. She demanded to speak to the manager of the company. It turns out that these young guys were a group of apprentices going off for a training session in the city that day, completely paid for by the company. The manager knew the exact class/group that it was. When given the description of the guy who took the photo of me on his phone, he knew exactly who it was. He told Ali that he would investigate and take some action.

Ali called the manager of that company every morning for four days. On the fourth day, the manager called Ali first. He told her he had called in each of the guys from that group one by one, leaving the dude with the phone for last. As he said "I wanted him to sweat bullets". He demanded each of the guys prove that there were no photos of not only me, but other women they had encountered on public transport etc on their phones. He told each of them that if he ever caught them harassing anyone again, in company uniform or otherwise, they would lose their apprenticeships, no further notice. The last guy, the one that took the photo? In the managers words "I tore him a new arsehole, 'scuse the French Ma'am."

I'm not sure if Ali knows how much it means to me that she went in to bat for me. Her anger and indignation at their treatment of me meant more to me than I can put into words.

If you're a friend, family member or other person in the life of a fatty, please, PLEASE take the time to listen when they tell you of douchebaggery they have suffered. If you're with a fatty and someone abuses them, and you can (it's not always safe to do so), stand up for them. Or at least console them. If you can't understand why you should, perhaps think what it would feel like if someone insulted you all the time. How would it feel if people told you that you should die, because of the way you look? How would you feel to be pushed, spat on, your photograph taken for ridicule, food thrown at you, lewd comments made about you (even about raping you - for some reason douchebags like to throw this one at fatties), sworn at, criticised by old ladies and middle aged women, and avoided as though you have some horrible contagious disease?

Because that's what happens.

If you're a fatty that has suffered douchebaggery (and who of us hasn't), ***hugs***. I know how much it hurts, and I know the hurt doesn't get any less with time, even when your self esteem is strong and you are confident. I know it's wrong and unfair that this shit still happens. And you are welcome to vent about it in the comments here if you want to. I'm sorry that you, and I, have to put up with this.

Remember, even if you can't say it, you can always think it: