Fitting In to the Fatosphere

I've had a few conversations lately with various folks regarding the feeling of "not fitting in" to the fatosphere. It seems that this is a common feeling for several fatties out there, and thus their hesitance to jump on in.

For me, fat acceptance is not a club. It's not about fitting in to a group or movement. It's not about being part of some kind of clique, though I do see a LOT of cliques forming, some of them more poisonous than cliques out there in the thinosphere (I just made that up, maybe it could be notfatosphere).

I believe fat acceptance is about two things.

1) Acceptance of myself. For who I am, how I am, what I am. Finding good self esteem and confidence to be who I am, and to live a full positive life. To live my life to the fullest as I am.

2) Acceptance of others, by others. For me to accept others as they are and leave them to be as they are for one, but most importantly, for others to accept me as I am, and leave ME to be as I am. That means accepting that I am fat, without prejudice or discrimination and that I and other fat people are under no obligation to stop being fat, and that we are not lesser beings for being fat.

That's what it boils down to at the very core of what I believe fat acceptance to be.

That doesn't mean that you're never out to improve yourself, challenge yourself or expand your horizons. It means that you accept yourself right here, right now and any changes, improvements, or challenges you make are made for you, not anyone else. There is always something we can improve about ourselves, but we have to be doing it for ourselves, not because other people say we should. Because positive striving to improve yourself is part of living a full life. I will talk about this more in another post I think.

Fat acceptance is not about joining or being anything to fit in with others. I don't feel the need to be a fat fashion plate, just to enjoy the clothes and accessories that I like. I don't feel the need to be BBW and become sexualised as a fat woman, just to feel beautiful as I am.

However, that doesn't mean that these things don't interest me in elements. I like fat fashion, without having to be a fatshionista. I find images sexy fat women empowering and good for my self esteem, without having to join their ranks in the BBW communities.

I understand that Kate Harding is seen as the goddess of all things Fatosphere, and that to many fatties, criticism of Shapely Prose or the contributors is seen as the ultimate betrayal of fatz. I disagree with this - while I find elements of Shapely Prose and it's contributors highly useful, articulate and sometimes inspirational, I don't feel the need to take on board everything that is said there. It's opinion and opinion will always differ. Don't let that stop any of you visiting Shapely Prose either - I am sure everyone will find something of use that they can take on board.

That goes for all the other fatosphere communities and contributors out there - get out and read as much as you can, find what resonates with you, share it and don't worry about the stuff that doesn't sit right with you. It's ok, there is no compulsory reading or community for fat acceptance.

But here's the thing. Your life is your life. You need to live it to it's full. Find what helps you live your life to the full and expand upon it. If something doesn't contribute positively to you being able to live your life to it's fullest and best, then you are under no obligation to continue with that activity, community or school of thought.

If I in any way help you live your life to the fullest with this little blog, then I am deeply honoured.

Falling off the Wagon

Ahh this fat acceptance malarkey is a bit of a process isn't it?

I have fallen off the wagon of fat acceptance. I've been a bit mean to myself over the past few days. You see, I have noticed that I have gained some weight. Ok, I don't know for sure that I've actually gained weight as I don't have scales and refuse to find some to check, but my clothes are a wee bit tighter and I'm feeling sluggish and heavy. So I'm assuming I've gained some weight.

I know why I am having these changes - I'm on holiday. I'm not living my usual breakneck paced lifestyle of rushing around for work and my social life. I'm also out of my routine. So I'm a spending a lot more time relaxing. It's great, I needed it. But I have kind of relaxed enough and am now feeling sluggish and blah.

Of course, the minute I go to put on a pair of pants that were a firm fit before, and now don't fit me, what do I do? All the fat acceptance and gaining strong self esteem slides out the window and I get on hating myself. Yep, I have been berating myself for about two days now. Today I realised that THAT'S ENOUGH.

I was getting ready to go out last night, to see Elvis Costello in concert (my favourite male singer ever) and I had a new dress that I loved, new shoes, and I've just coloured my hair a very bright, intense red. Normally I would be getting ready and feeling all great, but all I could do was criticise bits of myself. For the first time in a long time I even shied away from photographing my new sandals and posting them to Twitter because all I could see when I looked at my feet was how fat they were. Usually I LOVE showing off my shoes.

Thing is, what does it achieve to be hating on myself? I KNOW that it achieves nothing, rationally speaking, but somehow crappy self esteem seems to smack rationality down pretty quickly.

I tried to get over it by taking some photos of my outfit, but found myself taking dozens of pics because I hated every single one that I took. I really thought I'd got over that, but it's silly because the truth is, everyone has days where they feel crappy and are critical of themselves - it's no point being even more critical over that too.

This morning I woke up feeling crud, but kind of turned a corner later in the day as I was getting ready to go out again, and started to feel a bit of a lift.

I have to admit the real lift came when I went to get on a bus into town (I took myself off to a movie) to find that the cute bus driver that I usually only see on the trip home after work had made a completely random shift swap, and there he was on a bus I would never normally take! Not to mention that we've progressed our usual brief flirty hello and goodbye for a 40 minute conversation for the whole bus trip. I believe there may even be an exchange of contact details next time. That's gotta make a girl feel better about herself, hmmm?

Anyway, what I'm trying to say with this post is that all of us will have times that we fall off the self esteem/fat acceptance wagon, that it's a learning process and we have to remember to be kind to ourselves. To do the things that make us feel good, and read lots of positive material (oh the wonder of the fatosphere!) and with time, it does come back.

And in celebration of me finding my mojo again, here is one of the pictures of me in my new dress from last night. Most of the pics are pretty good, now that I'm looking at them through mojo-rich eyes again!

Shame on You...

I bet most of you have experienced this one:

You're in a doctor's office. You have a cold, or you've hurt yourself somehow, or perhaps you've got a rash. You tell the doctor about the owie or the icky, and he/she shakes her head and says in a stern, disapproving tone "Well, you do need to lose some weight, don't you?"

Or what about this one:

You're in a public place, say a restaurant or food court of a shopping centre. You're having lunch, nothing special, just lunch. Someone passing by or at the nearest table says "Look at that fat pig. People like that shouldn't eat, that's disgusting."

Maybe this one:

You're watching the news. The newsreader comes on with an article about how fat people are costing the public health system lots and lots of money. Whoever you're with turns to you and says "Don't you ever feel guilty about that?"

Ever experienced anything like these situations? If you're fat, I'm pretty sure you have, or something similar. These are all examples of fat shaming.

Fat shaming is a tactic that non-fats, the medical profession and the media have all been using for a long time. Because they all figure that if we're ashamed of ourselves as fatties, that we will go on diets and lose the weight and then we'll no longer have an OOGA-BOOGA-OBESITY-EPIDEMIC.

Here's the thing. Fat shaming has been a tactic for a very, very long time. I've had it directed at me since I can remember, which is long before I was actually fat. Once I actually got fat, it was ramped up even higher. So if I can remember it from the 70's, that means it's been going on for over 30 years right?

Actually, I've seen examples of fat shaming in vintage ads from the 50's. You know, the "Sally can't get a date because she's a big fat lardass." kind of thing.

So if fat shaming has been out there for more than 50 years, and we've got a "growing OOGA-BOOGA-OBESITY-CRISIS" these days, as the media will have you believe, does this not tell us that fat shaming actually makes the problem worse?

When I look at it, it tells me that fat shaming does a whole bunch of things. It makes fat people embarrassed or intimidated about going to the doctor to get decent health care, which would lessen their risk of being of high cost to public health. It causes fat people to avoid being active in public because of the fear of ridicule that they not only "might" suffer, but actually do suffer. It forces many women and girls into the cycle of eating disorders and exercise obsessions that are a) not sustainable and b) do more long term damage to bodies than they do any good. It causes high levels of stress in fat people so that they are at more risk to things like high blood pressure and heart disease.

And these are just a few off the top of my head.

If fat shaming actually worked, wouldn't we be finding that the rate of obesity in western culture was actually lower now than it used to be, because we've been sold the same line for a good 30+ years now? Surely if fat shaming was effective, the obesity rate would be decreasing, rather than increasing.

So here's the thing. It's a crock of shit. If you hear doctors, the media, and the general public (which includes your family, friends and colleagues) using fat shaming to try to guilt you/anyone/society in general into somehow miraculously making yourself thin, question it.

That goes for you too non-fatties who might be reading this blog.

Ask the questions about why they do it. Are they doing it because it is known that it actually works, or are they doing it because a) it's so ingrained in our culture that fat people should be ashamed of themselves that it's just what's done, or b) because they're projecting their own fear of being fat and self loathing onto the people who represent the things they are afraid of/most loathe about themselves?

If you're a fatty that is on the receiving end of some fat shaming, maybe it's worth thinking about the damage that actually accepting and carrying that shame is doing to you. Maybe it's time to refuse to accept and carry that shame.

The little trick I've found is to think of that fat shame as a big steaming pile of shit. And don't pick it up if it's offered to you! When I am handed a stinky pile of fat shame shit, I think to myself "Ummm... that's YOUR fat shame shit, not mine, I'm not going to carry it, thank you very much." Where it's possible, I challenge it to the person trying to hand it to me, but sometimes it's not possible, so I just raise my chin a little, think to myself "No thanks" and move on, be it literally or figuratively.

Fat shame is pointless and there is no reason you have to accept it. It's not even going to help you if you did.

Dealing with Douchebags

Ugh, I hate having to even talk about this topic, because it is so wrong that it still happens. But I know most of you have dealt with this shit so I'm going to talk about some ways to handle it and cope when it happens.

Yes, it's douchebag season again. But when is it bloody not?

I copped some abuse again this afternoon from a douchebag passing by in a car. I was idly standing at a pedestrian crossing on my way to catch the bus home, when a car went by and a douchebag hung out of the window and screamed "Hey you stinky fat fuck!"

How absolutely mature and erudite. Fucktard.

This is an almost daily occurrence for myself and many other fatties. It's not just fucktard bogans in passing cars either. The douchebaggery comes from all walks of life. I've copped everything from little old ladies stating loudly that "People like that shouldn't eat." as they passed me eating fruit salad in a shopping centre, teenage kids pointing and giggling, men making disgusting comments about "fucking the lard arse", right through to a somewhat normal looking woman in her 40's who pushed me on an escalator and when I said "Excuse me!" turned and replied "Well you shouldn't be so fucking fat!"

The worst that I ever got was the time I was on the train to work and a group of young guys in King Gees started making barking noises, and I looked up to catch one taking a photograph of me on his mobile phone. I then sat there in horror as he texted it to all of the guys around him, who sat around making the most horrific comments about me being a "fucking fat dog who should just kill herself."

It used to tear me to pieces. The times I would arrive at work and burst into tears because someone had exhibited this douchebaggery to me in the street... I can't tell you how often it happened. Many times I came within a whisker of taking my own life out of sheer despair at how complete strangers treated me. I can't describe the pain it would put me through.

These days I am lucky enough to have got some excellent help from both my GP and a very good psychologist who have taught me how to protect myself emotionally from douchebaggery, as well as where my value lies as a human being. But while I don't let these people destroy me like they used to, it still hurts, every single time.

I'm still at a loss how to deal with it a lot of the time. Do I flip them the bird? Do I say something like "Fuck you, douchebag!"? Do I ignore it? More often than not, I'm so shocked that all I can do is blink and flinch.

A friend of mine recently said "I wish I was there when this happened Kath, I'd smack the bastards one!" when I was telling him about how douchebags treat fat people. The thing is, douchebags are quintessentially cowards. They tend to pick on lone fatties, or maybe a couple of women. Douchebags never pick on a fatty that has a male friend with them. Nor do they pick on fatties in groups of people. I'd love to have this mate with me when someone had a go, because while he probably wouldn't smack them one, he would definitely step up and tell them where to go. But as I said, douchebags are cowards.

However sometimes justice comes to play. Remember the guys in the King Gees on the train? Well, I got to work that day, and burst into tears. And one of my bosses at the time, Ali, happened to be in. She demanded the whole story from me. She asked me to describe the guys, and for some reason I remembered the logo on their King Gees. She called the company, which turned out to be an apprentice training company. She demanded to speak to the manager of the company. It turns out that these young guys were a group of apprentices going off for a training session in the city that day, completely paid for by the company. The manager knew the exact class/group that it was. When given the description of the guy who took the photo of me on his phone, he knew exactly who it was. He told Ali that he would investigate and take some action.

Ali called the manager of that company every morning for four days. On the fourth day, the manager called Ali first. He told her he had called in each of the guys from that group one by one, leaving the dude with the phone for last. As he said "I wanted him to sweat bullets". He demanded each of the guys prove that there were no photos of not only me, but other women they had encountered on public transport etc on their phones. He told each of them that if he ever caught them harassing anyone again, in company uniform or otherwise, they would lose their apprenticeships, no further notice. The last guy, the one that took the photo? In the managers words "I tore him a new arsehole, 'scuse the French Ma'am."

I'm not sure if Ali knows how much it means to me that she went in to bat for me. Her anger and indignation at their treatment of me meant more to me than I can put into words.

If you're a friend, family member or other person in the life of a fatty, please, PLEASE take the time to listen when they tell you of douchebaggery they have suffered. If you're with a fatty and someone abuses them, and you can (it's not always safe to do so), stand up for them. Or at least console them. If you can't understand why you should, perhaps think what it would feel like if someone insulted you all the time. How would it feel if people told you that you should die, because of the way you look? How would you feel to be pushed, spat on, your photograph taken for ridicule, food thrown at you, lewd comments made about you (even about raping you - for some reason douchebags like to throw this one at fatties), sworn at, criticised by old ladies and middle aged women, and avoided as though you have some horrible contagious disease?

Because that's what happens.

If you're a fatty that has suffered douchebaggery (and who of us hasn't), ***hugs***. I know how much it hurts, and I know the hurt doesn't get any less with time, even when your self esteem is strong and you are confident. I know it's wrong and unfair that this shit still happens. And you are welcome to vent about it in the comments here if you want to. I'm sorry that you, and I, have to put up with this.

Remember, even if you can't say it, you can always think it:

PCOS - Let's Not Be Silent Any More

This morning I finally took the time to read this article from ABC News by the rather fabulous Sabra Lane, who used to be the President of the Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome Association of Australia (POSAA) on the "hidden epidemic" of Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). A very comprehensive article on PCOS by Sabra, and though I disagree with the concept of "lifestyle changes" actually being of any use, the article outlines the difficulty of living with PCOS that at least 11% of Australian women face every day.

I actually wanted to talk about one particular sentence in that article tonight. And it's this:

A study in the UK a couple of years ago found some PCOS women experience the same level of anxiety that breast cancer patients do.

I actually read the report from that study when it first came out. It sounds shocking doesn't it? It sounds almost like an exaggeration, after all, how can women with a syndrome that isn't terminal have as much anxiety as someone with cancer? After all, isn't cancer the most terrifying, horrible thing that can happen to your health?

At the time I posed this question to a man I knew who had been through the cancer battle with his ex-wife. And his answer shocked me. He said "Well, I can understand that, because everyone steps up to help you when you've got cancer in your life, but most people don't believe PCOS really exists, or that it's any big deal to it's sufferers."

The more I thought about it, the more I can see it. Not that I'm diminishing the horrible impact of cancer on people's lives, both sufferers and loved ones. I can think of nothing more devastating. But when it comes to anxiety, I can totally understand it.

After all, most women with PCOS have to fight for a long time to get a diagnosis. I myself had 20 long years of presenting to doctors with PCOS symptoms before I was diagnosed. We're told we're just too fat, lose weight and all our problems will go away, though anyone who knows anything about PCOS, knows that losing weight is extremely difficult for a PCOS sufferer. Even if we do lose weight, more often than not it makes not a lick of difference to our symptoms. It didn't to mine, I maintain that it made them worse in most cases.

PCOS has been referred to as the "Ugly bitch disease" by some misogynistic douchebags. Because it causes weight gain, cystic acne, hirsuitism and hair loss (yep, you can have both at the same time!) and a myriad of other fun symptoms. I also believe it causes depression, though this has not been added to the official swag of symptoms yet. So as well as all the so called "ugly" symptoms, we're also not always able to be shiny-happy women.

Is it any wonder we suffer anxiety as well?

PCOS also rips apart a woman's self esteem. Because it tears apart the fabric of what women are usually expected to be in Western society - thin, clear skinned, hairless, cheerful and good breeders. As Sabra says:

PCOS is a hidden syndrome in our society, because it encompasses many social taboos: excessive hair, obese/overweight women, childless women, depressed women.

Which is also part of the reason why this doesn't make news. News executives far prefer to concentrate on young, pretty, fertile women.

So consequently, most sufferers of PCOS feel anything but feminine and valuable. They believe themselves to be failures as women. They feel (and are often told by the douchebags of society) that they're fat, ugly, hairy, stupid, lazy, gluttonous, barren, unfeminine failures. That they are worth less because they don't fit some kind of ridiculous expectation of what a woman is supposed to be. Plus we're not allowed to talk about it, because it's taboo.

Is anyone still doubting that women with PCOS often suffer high anxiety? And that hasn't even got into the vast physical pain we usually suffer in our reproductive cycle.

Here's something I want to say to all the women with PCOS who might be reading this.

For about 4 years now, I've been actively seeking out other women with PCOS, or "cysters" as we're known, to have women around me who know what it's like to deal with all the icky things we cysters have to deal with, as quite often I didn't really feel like I had the right to have "normal" women around me. I have met hundreds of cysters, both here and in the US when I travelled there almost 2 years ago, not to mention the hundreds I have met virtually through various online communities that I haven't had the pleasure to meet face to face yet.

Those women have been incredible. Awesome. Amazing. Inspirational. Generous. Loving. Strong.

Beautiful.

I seem to be able to spot a cyster a mile away. There is a mix of outer vulnerability and yet deep inner strength that I can see straight away. I see the signs of low self esteem, but also signs of grit, strength and inner fortitude that most other people never need to develop. Cysters so often feel they have to fight, they have to work, they have to protect, they have to struggle just to get through day to day life. I believe that develops in them an incredible strength of character that many other people never develop.

Being active in the cysterhood has brought me so many amazing women into my life, who have given me so much love and kindness, I could never repay it back. It's through loving them that I've found the ability to let go of all the PCOS self-loathing and love myself.

I want to give that back. I want to help cysters find the ability to love themselves. I want to build their self esteem like they built mine, to squash the demon of self-loathing that haunts cysters. The only way I know how to is to write. Then write some more. So I'm going to do that for my cysters.

Ladies, if you're reading this and have PCOS, speak up here in the comments. I want you all to tell me a story about a cyster you know who is awesome. Because she probably feels like she's a failure every day, just like you do. Let's celebrate the cysterhood.

When Lady Journalists Attack

Well, have I got something for you tonight! This article was published in the Courier Mail (Brisbane, Australia) today with the dramatic title of "Plus-size Models Doing Big Girls No Favour".

In it, the author, Susie O'Brien suggests that the increase in plus-size models in the fashion market are not a good idea because it gives the impression that it's ok to be fat. She also criticises television shows like Drop Dead Diva and the fact that retailers are starting to provide fashionable clothing for plus-sized women. To quote her directly:'

But there are also many larger people who are just plain fat, and who would be better off being encouraged to lose weight rather than always be told it's ok to be overweight.

Now firstly, I don't know about you, but I've never experienced being "always told it's ok to be overweight". ALWAYS told that Ms O'Brien? I am wondering where you got that idea. Perhaps it was the people on the street who yell encouragingly at fat women "Go for it sister!! Rock that hot fat body you sexy thing!" Or the constant news pieces about how AWESOME it is that there is an obesity crisis going on in our country. Maybe it's those doctors that tell us that our wonderful fat bodies protect us from disease and illness?

Oh hang on... that's in the reverse universe! Silly me. *eyeroll* Ms O'Brien dear, back to this universe hmmm?

She then goes on to say:

But it's time to get real - fat people may be happier but they're also digging their graves with a fork, and we're all paying for it.

Firstly, last time I looked I was a tax payer, in fact a taxpayer that has one of the highest quotas in relation to my income, because as a single, woman without children who works full time, and has private health cover, I'm not collecting anywhere from the Government for the tax I pay. So am I not entitled to a piece of my tax dollar coming back to me? Fat people pay tax too y'know Ms O'Brien.

And secondly, here we go again, the old fat people shame trick. All of us fatty pigs that are going to die and make the rest of "normal society" pay their hard earned dollars for us to be happy and fat.

Now, they didn't publish my comment that I left on this article, probably because it makes sense, but what I asked is this - If shaming and pressuring people into thinness actually worked to make the "obesity crisis" go away, wouldn't we have seen evidence of this by now? After all, Westerners have been heavy into the diet thing for some decades now. I know that my Grandmother has been dieting and felt shame about her weight all my life, and as you know I'm past 35. I daresay she was doing so before I was born. It was really the 50's and 60's that saw the diet/body obsession culture kick off, and then it kind of went nuclear in the 80's. So if all these decades of shame and body obsession and thin = beauty actually worked, wouldn't the levels of obesity in our culture be decreasing, not increasing? Wouldn't the average be smaller than in the past, than larger?

Perhaps, just perhaps, by empowering people with confidence, strong self esteem, and a sense of achievement and a place in society, they're more likely to be productive, healthy members of that society? They're more likely to have the confidence to take on a productive role in society, to be active and willing participants in life rather than shutting themselves away in shame and embarrassment.

I certainly think so.

But what I think sums up Ms O'Brien perfectly is this sentence.

Losing weight is hard work. It takes sacrifice and effort. As a mother of three in my late 30's with a new gym membership, I know this first-hand.

I think I understand. Perhaps Ms O'Brien doesn't like her own body. If she doesn't like her own body, how dare anyone that she considers fatter than her like theirs? Everyone should put in all that sacrifice and effort that she is. Let alone all that money she spent on her fancy gym membership. Perhaps if Ms O'Brien stopped worrying about how everyone else is living their lives, and focused on letting go of her own body issues, she might realise that it's none of her business.

Dating for Fatties: 101

I recently got a lovely email from a lady named Helen in response to my post "Sex and the Single Fatty". Helen shared with me her own dating experiences (she's about my age) and is looking for some positive, affirming advice for the single fatty over 30. She has asked a few questions, but I'll give you an idea of where she is coming from.

She's doing the online dating thing, and says:

I like how chemistry.com allows folks to state what body types they are attracted to: guys who only want women who are slender/toned/about average are guys I instantly delete as matches: this takes a lot of the pressure off of me when I GET to the date, because I know that the guy in question has stated and openness or attraction to larger women.

Kudos to Helen for putting herself out there and filtering out the douchebags from the get-go. She then goes on to say though:

1) This means that I am deleting about 90% of the matches I'm given, which takes a toll on me eventually, and 2) I hate, hate, hate how often guys say (as one match I just got did) that they want women who "take care of themselves" and "have self respect for their appearance". Of course, I do do both of those things, but I know full well that he means that he wants a thin girl; he just can't bring himself to say that. Reading those sorts of comments over and over and then deleting the match... I think it takes a toll on me. I've also wondered about the BBW dating sites. Has anyone reading this had good experiences with those?

So let's talk about it my fellow lovely fatties? What are your thoughts and experiences?

I tried the whole online dating myself and found it very demoralising, just as Helen has mentioned. Not only because there are a lot of douchebags out there, but also because I feel that without you being face to face, there are many people who find it much easier to be rude and even nasty via email or a website. Where if they met you face to face somewhere, one would think they're more likely to be polite and respectful. As I mentioned on the earlier post linked above, I received a lot of douchebag comments and attitudes from internet dating.

Personally, I feel much more comfortable in just being social and meeting as many new people as I can. So long as I'm socially active, I'm opening myself up to meeting guys, and I hope that the people I meet and like also socialise with nice guys. I'm open to meeting guys that are friends, brothers, colleagues etc of people.

As for BBW dating sites in particular, I'll be honest it kind of rankles with me. I don't want some guy to date me simply because I'm fat. The same as I wouldn't want a guy to only date me if I was thin. I want a man who wants to be with me because he likes who I am, not what I am. Does that make sense?

Personally I'm looking for someone who is more interested in me as a person than just the surface stuff. To all the guys out there, I say...

So the floor is open ladies (and any gents that are reading). How do those of you who are single negotiate the world of fatty dating? For those of you fatties who are coupled up, tell us how you got that way! And if there are any fellas reading, give us your perspective on da fat ladeez in the dating world.

Altered Reality

The old black dog of depression has been plaguing me over the past day or so. I'm sure a lot of you know what it's like, you go from normal to just not being able to see the good in anything very quickly, and you don't feel yourself. Things all feel really bad, and a big sadness just overwhelms you.

I know it will pass, it's just sucky while it's here, you know?

What I did notice is that I'm REALLY hard on myself when I'm depressed. REALLY critical about my body, which I am not when I am in a "normal" mood. Instead of being able to see the positives about myself, and remembering that I am more than just my body, I get really critical and caught up in myself as "parts" rather than as a person.

Does this make sense to anyone?

The difference these days though is that I catch myself doing it. Once upon a time it would have been a total spiral into self loathing and further depression, but after years of professional counselling and working on my self esteem and self image, I can see when I get in that headspace now.

It was looking in a plate glass window at my reflection that I busted myself this time. I was walking back to work at lunch time, feeling crap, when I spotted myself in the window of a bank, and my thought was so full of self loathing, I shocked myself. For a moment there, I really hated what I saw and felt shame about myself. Which is something I NEVER feel outside of the realms of depression any more.

I'm glad I can recognise it now when I find myself thinking that way, because then I can work towards removing my head from that space. But it still sucks when it happens, because it's really painful to think of myself in that way.

How do you deal with the negative self-talk? Are you able to recognise it when it happens?

Smile and say CHEESE!

Hands up if you hate having your photograph taken?

My hand is half way up. I don't hate it like I used to, but I'm still not entirely comfortable with it. For many years of my life I simply refused to allow it, and if I found any photos of me, I destroyed them, even when they weren't mine to destroy. My self esteem was at such a low place that I couldn't bear the thought of there being a photographic record of me.

It started when I gained weight at the onset of puberty and really stuck around until my early 30's. I had a couple of patches where I softened my stance a wee bit, I have a few photos of my late teens where I was very happy nannying for friends of mine, and then again in my mid 20's when I had moved back to Brisbane and away from my family. But I ebbed back into it with an abusive relationship and only really found myself allowing to be photographed a few years ago.

I have a friend and colleague who is an extremely talented photographer, and he taught me a lot of little tips and tricks about being photographed that have given me confidence in allowing photographs to be taken, and I'm much more relaxed about it now than I have ever been.

However, I still feel the need to vet every photo of myself that I see. I look at them and criticise myself SO harshly. Even though in my rational mind, I know this is pointless and does more damage than good. I know I should be looking at photographs of myself and seeing the things I love about myself rather than the things I hate. But even though I know this, I still look and think things like "My hair looks cute but how fat does my arse look?" or "This would be a good photo if only you couldn't see my double chin."

So how do you deal with it, my fellow fatties? Do you not allow photos at all? Do you like being photographed? If you do, what made you like it? What gives you confidence in being photographed? And when you see photographs of yourself, are you critical of them or do you see the positives?

And because I'm a generous woman, I'm going to give you all the tips my photographer friend has given me for flattering photographs:

1. Pose. If you try to avoid being photographed, people will try to paparazzi you, and you'll end up with lots of really unflattering photos. Say yes, and ask the photographer to give you a second to get ready to be photographed.
2. If you are seated at a table, move a glass or mug to one side in front of you. Then reach over and touch it with the hand on the opposite side. (If it's in front of your left breast, touch it with your right hand and vice versa - best to hold it as if you are about to pick it up). This straightens your spine and puts one shoulder slightly forward, which elongates your neck.
3. Just before the photo is taken, run your tongue over your teeth, and then smile, with your tongue resting behind your top teeth. This makes your teeth look shiny when the photograph is taken, and makes you subconsciously lift your chin.
4. Another good thing to do is close your eyes and blink slowly, looking straight at the camera. This eases red-eye and prepares you for your photo.
5. If you can, stretch before the photo is taken. It straightens your spine. (A straight spine is a good thing in a photo - posture is flattering!)

If you have any more tips for achieving photographs that make you feel great, share 'em!

Sex and the Single Fatty

Ok it's not really about sex, not yet anyway. But stick with me here. I'm going to talk about dating as a fat woman tonight.

You may know already, but I am a single fat woman over 35. I know, I know, I'm on the shelf. Or so a 42 year old man who lived with his mother told me on a dating site once. I told him to go fuck himself, I'm on a pedestal, not a shelf.

Anyway, I've had an ongoing conversation with my friend Shane about dating and people's prejudices. Shane is Asian and while a married man these days, he has told me that he had some really bad experiences with white women being very prejudiced against Asian men. Which I am sure happens often, but I've thought a bit about it and I'm not sure it's about the women being white so much as being shallow.

However, I have to say, as a fat woman, I am more than happy to date an Asian man, but I'm not sure there are many Asian men who are happy to date fat women. See what I mean about shallowness? It's not about me being white that is the problem, it's about not meeting some kind of shallow aesthetic.

That double standard seems all over the place. I also know a bloke who claims he never gets any dates because he's short. Yet he won't date a fat woman. And I know LOTS of fat men who won't date fat women!

Personally, I find tall, short, thin, fat, dark, fair, blue eyes, brown eyes, green eyes, grey eyes, long hair, no hair, and so on attractive in the right man. Most of the famous men I develop crushes on have something a bit odd about them, that other women go "Oh but ewww, he's got..." William McInnes has a huge nose. Zachary Quinto has mega eyebrows (and is really hairy all over). Chris Garver is skinny and all arms and legs. Jamie Hyneman has that big moustache and is as bald as an egg. Craig Ferguson also has a big nose and a pasty white body. But all of them are sexy men simply because they are who they are, funny, smart, talented, kind, honest etc.

In my relationship history, I went out with a man who was considered REALLY handsome by a lot my friends. I got lots of comments about how good looking he was, and I used to notice other women throwing themselves at him when we were out. But he turned out to be a MASSIVE douchebag who was more interested in himself than he was a relationship with anyone normal.

But that said, I am a single woman who is on the market and I don't believe that being fat excludes me from the dating world. For all the shallow douchebags out there that think they're going to land themselves a Lara Bingle despite being a Jack Black, a Nick Frost or Dwayne Dibley themselves, there are lovely guys out there who see a woman for who she really is, not what size her clothing is or what the number is on a scale.

However dating for the fat lady is a tough world. Because the old self esteem gets an extra heavy duty workout, with so many people out there to put you down, make disparaging or patronising comments, or generally just insult you. It's hard work to keep the self esteem good and strong in the face of that kind of treatment.

You'd think that if a guy likes you enough to ask you out, he'd not be one to make disparaging comments about your body right? Not quite so true. I recently had a guy ask me out, and then in the next breath said "I have no problem dating fat women, you know?"

Oh really Captain Tactful? Well I have a problem dating patronising men. Buh-bye!

I am determined not to let the douchebags and losers out there keep me from dating, because I do know there are great guys out there, and I believe there's a great guy out there for me who will value me for the smart, funny, kind, sassy, beautiful woman I am.

Food Shame and Judgement

One of my favourite blogs in the blogosphere is the Post Secret project. If you're one of the few people who have never encountered it before, it's a blog project where people send in anonymous postcards that they have made themselves, bearing a secret. The secrets featured each week (and in the books that have been published under the project) range from shocking, sad, funny, frightening to the downright bizarre.

I also follow the PostSecret twitter account, which tweets extra secrets, email replies to those published on the blog, and news about the project.

A couple of days, this secret was posted to the Twitter feed.

"When I go grocery shopping, I always feel like people are looking in my basket and judging me because I'm fat."

I re-tweeted it because I know it is actually a very common feeling amongst fatties. The response I got was pretty phenomenal. To paraphrase a few replies, they mostly broke down into:

• Oh I always feel like that.
• Thank God for online shopping
• Do people really comment on what others have in their shopping baskets? (the answer is yes)
• I always put the toilet paper/water/magazines on top of my food.
• I feel the same when eating out.

I thought about it for a bit and realised that I too used to hide/feel ashamed for the contents of my shopping trolley, and for what I was eating when eating out. I used to be terribly self conscious that other people are judging me when I had any connection with food in public.

This is not purely from paranoia from being a fat woman. This is because quite often, people would comment or insult me* with regards to food in public. My "favourite" is once I was sitting in a food court eating a salad, and an old couple walked past me, and the woman said to the man, loud enough for me and several people in the surrounds to hear "Ugh, people like that shouldn't eat."

I was horrified and humiliated at the time, but on further thought now, since I have my self esteem at a healthy level and don't give a shit what strangers think, my thought is "So I'm supposed to just starve to death lady because my fat body doesn't please you?" And do you know what? The answer is yes. Some people have the attitude that fat people should just not exist. That if they had their way, they would simply remove them from existence.

I know, it's really harsh, isn't it? But there is a certain number of the population who truly feel this way.

Fuck them I say.

To those of you who feel this sense of judgement on you around food, you have every right to buy, cook, eat, taste, enjoy any food you like. If someone is so removed from their own lives (or perhaps so loathsome of their own lives) that they have to cast judgement on other people regarding what they eat, then there's something seriously wrong with them. Because a happy, healthy person doesn't care a jot what other people have in their shopping basket, or on their plate, except perhaps to eye off something interesting.

To those who feel the need to comment/judge others on what they are eating/buying in public, I say "Get a life!"

*Remember, I don't tell you these stories for pity or to gain attention, this is simply to illustrate what I have experienced and what some people's attitudes are like.

Be Good to Your Daughters... And Your Sons Too

Well here I am, back at Fat Heffalump. Tonight I want to talk a bit about the messages we give to young girls about their bodies, and weight. And while I'm at it, you're going to get to see some photos of me when I was a munchkin.

Let's start with this one:

I think I'm about 7 years old in this one.

I can remember, from a very early age - about 5 or 6 is my first memory of it, being told by my parents that I was fat. I was called porky, told I had "lead in my arse" because I was "so heavy" and couldn't run fast, and of course I've mentioned earlier my brother's taunts of "fat heffalump" and "tub of lard".

I did have a barrel shape (no waist at all), but how many girls before puberty do have waists?

And consequently, I believed it. All my life. I believed it right up until I found the photo above, about six months ago in a box of old photo albums.

Can I ask you something. Is that little girl there fat? Does the child in the photo above look fat to you?

What about this one?

I think I'm about 9 or 10 in this one. Would you say fat there?

Here I am just before puberty hit me:

Age 11. Just before my 12th birthday. Jesus look at those legs. Fat legs? I don't think so.

So what are people telling girls that look like this, that they're fat? Why was a girl of this body shape, being led to believe that there was something wrong with her? Maybe it was in jest. Maybe it was a way to "keep her in her place" and not let her get "too many tickets on herself." But I think it's a seriously sad reflection on people's attitudes that anyone could think a girl with this body could be considered fat.

In that last photograph, I was taller than my aunt, who is 5'2". Very tall for an 11 year old girl. I towered all of my classmates. I stopped growing in height by the time I was 13, and I'm 5'6" now. I was the tallest girl in my class for a long time, until the others caught up later on in their teens. Consequently, I needed women's sized clothing, from a very young age, otherwise I'd have been exposing what was at the top of those long legs! If I remember correctly, that school uniform was a women's size 10 (Australian), a bit loose around the middle and under the arms, yet that's pretty proportionate for a 5'2" female body about to sprout boobs and stuff.

Yet I remember my mother complaining in shops that I shouldn't be in women's clothing. Girls in school made fun of me because I shopped in the ladies wear section. I was referred to as a "big girl". However I look at those photos and I don't think I was big at all. Tall yes, but certainly not big or fat.

But of course, I did get fat. Puberty hit just after my 12th birthday, and boy did it hit hard. Within 12 months of that last photo above, I actually was a fat girl. A fat girl with all sorts of hormonal shit going on (I won't go into the gory details but let's just say that I know now that it wasn't normal). I also had D cup breasts by the time I was 13 and they weren't just fat. Even in my late teens when I dropped a lot of weight, I still had huge breasts.

Consequently, I don't have any photos of me in my teens. There is the odd school class photo, but until I turned 18, there really weren't any photos taken of me. I wouldn't allow it. And there were huge chunks of my life since then that I wouldn't allow photos to be taken of me, because I believed I was hideous and didn't want any record. Those were also the years that I was sticking my fingers down my throat to purge anything I ate.

Nowdays, I relish having my photo taken. I love to have those reminders of the times in my life, the outfits I wear, the laughs that I have. Here I am today (well, ok, a couple of weeks ago, smart arses):

Oh yes, I am a fat lady. By many labels, I am "morbidly obese" - do I look morbid to you? I am probably at the fattest I have ever been (give or take a bit!) but I'm also at the happiest I have ever been, because my worth is no longer measured by the number on a set of scales, the tag on my clothing, or the size of my body.

My worth is measured by the size of my heart, the number of beloved people in my life, the use of my brain, the strength of my laugh and the depth of my respect for others and myself.

We need to think about what we say to our children. Not just the girls, but they do cop the double whammy because of the whole sexualisation thing, as well as body image. Even if they are fatter than their peers, instead of crushing them down with criticisms, we should be building them up with encouragement and strong self esteem. I can't say I wouldn't be fat if I hadn't been criticised so much as a child (remember those hormonal problems I mentioned), but I can say I wouldn't have done so much damage to my body with crash diets and eating disorders. I can say I wouldn't have wasted so many years hating myself, and would have achieved so much more in life had I been allowed to believe in myself.

What's in a Name?

Now don't get too used to two posts in the same night, I just want to give you a deeper introduction so you all know what I'm about early in the piece.

Ok, where to start hey? Well, perhaps I'll tell you why I chose the title "Fat Heffalump" for this blog. I chose it, to reclaim it as mine. Because when I was a kid, in fact, right up until the last time I spoke to him about 5 years ago, my very cruel brother always called me a "Fat Heffalump". And it hurt. Oh boy, every time he used that phrase, it tore a hole in my soul that was raw, bleeding and sheer agony. I can't tell you the number of tears I have cried over the words "fat heffalump".

The worst times were when he used it in front of other people. He delighted in calling me that in front of his friends, my friends, boys at school, our family, loudly in public places in front of strangers. Because he knew it hurt me to the core.

And I would make some kind of joke, call him a wanker and laugh it off, all the while a piece of me was dying inside. I died inside for many, many years. From as early as I can remember, I was dying inside because of other people's remarks. I was very good at hiding my tears, hiding how much I hurt. Everyone thought I was "happy bubbly Kath", but the truth was that up until a few years ago, I was a huge well of emotional pain.

But something changed over the past few years. Some of it due to professional counselling, some of it due to finding my own strength and removing a lot of hurtful people from my life, but adding beautiful, delicious, accepting, big hearted, positive, gentle, giving people to my life. I've learned to value myself, and that the people are worth having in my life will never be cruel or hurtful, that they'll raise me up, not slam me down.

So I am taking back the words "fat heffalump". They are mine. I now embrace those two words with affection. They are not something that has power over me, but something that I am fond of for my own reasons.

I don't really know what a heffalump is (it sounds kind of fuzzy and cute really) but if anyone creative wants to draw/paint/create me their interpretation of one, I'll feature it here on this blog and plug your artwork all over the place. I'll sing your praises from the rooftops!